Its a question women often ask me. The lead up to the question always goes something like this: the man has travelled round the circle of violence and exploded yet again. (If you are not familiar with the Circle of Violence see below.) The woman feels terribly battered, emotionally and, quite possibly, physically also so much so that she decides she has to call time on the relationship. At that point the man gets worried that he might have really blown it and starts back peddling furiously. Mr Nice Guy is in the ascendant. He promises to go for counselling, talks about his difficult childhood and/or present stresses, he tells her how much he loves and needs her. He really wants to change, but he cant do it without her How easy is it to get sucked in when he finally says all the things you have been starved of hearing? The things that fall like balm on your soul? Especially when you see glimpses of the man you fell in love with? Its just all the hurt and pain and rejection etc. hes been through in his life that have made him so hurtful at times. At bottom, you know that there is this warm, loving, sensitive guy who is in touch with his, and your feelings, his feminine side etc. etc. Well, first off, if its just the hurt etc. that hes been through that made him so hurtful, how come you dont do the same? Youve been through enough misery and yet you spend your time trying to hold it together for him, your children if you have children, yourself the family? Are you going to fall back on that tired old excuse that women are better at feelings, by which you mean women are more responsible for their feelings? That you cant expect too much of him? You might as well argue that one kind word from him is worth a years care and respect from anyone else So you start thinking about and working towards a life without him a life, incidentally that you imagine as being just as ghastly as life with him, yet ten times worse because hes not there; like a desert without even the hope of an oasis somewhere. And youre so heart-broken you dont even register the sheer illogicality of it: if his presence and his treatment have made life so bad, how could his absence possibly be worse? You feel confused, vulnerable, desperate, he makes the effort to woo you a bit after all were talking about him getting back into his comfort zone here and you find yourself wondering obsessively: Will he change back into the man I fell in love with? Ask him, and he might even vow that he will. Well, he would, wouldnt he? But will he? Theres always an outside chance, like winning the lottery. What are the odds? Hundreds to one, thousands to one, tens of thousands to one, or a million to one? Who knows? Whats certain is that they are very low indeed. If you want to stake your happiness, your childrens happiness because, make no mistake, abusive relationships tear children apart and your very life, on a tiny outside chance, thats your choice. If he tells you he cant do it without you thats Abusive Man Code for Ive no intention of doing anything for myself. Either you do the work, or it wont get done. If he can shift, probably quite fast, from broken-hearted mode, to blame, criticism or anger, hes giving you the clearest message he can about what you can look forward to. If he moves, swiftly and seamlessly, from the mention of your hurt feelings to the contemplation of his own, take it as a reminder of exactly where you rate in his own personal hierarchy. But will he change back? you ask. The short answer has to be no. He will not change back to the person you fell in love with. Nor will you change back to the person you were before you met him. But you will build on all your past qualities and strengths. Its all about how you take your past pain and experience and move forward. Ive no doubt that you will move forward. Love remains central to your well being. And once you own the courage that youve shown in persisting in an abusive relationship, youll start to find far more joy, meaning and fulfilment in your life. Youll do it for yourself and your children, if you have them. He wont. He wont, in the end, because he doesnt really feel that his problem is that big. He might find someone else, do a little short-term wooing, just to set up a new relationship; or he might not. The man you fell in love with was only ever a persona, his romantic image. If, at the start, you had listened as carefully to what he said about other people as what he said to you, you would have heard that his dark, negative side was there from the start. The wisdom of hindsight! You didnt know that back then. None of us did. But you have the knowledge now to protect yourself from falling into the same old destructive trap. Note: If you are not familiar with the circle of violence its well worth checking out at =>http://www.joyfulcoaching.com/images/violence.jpg c) 2006 Annie Kaszina |
