What about men who open up and then shut down? One of the most frustrating experiences is when the man you love is indecisive. One day he thinks you're wonderful and opens up to you. The next day, he is distant and even seems to regret getting closer to you. Here's a typical scenario - does this sound familiar? "This guy I like the most (I am dating a little elsewhere to to try and keep things cool right now due to some of his emotional unavailability issues - he's getting some help these days on his own merit which is why I decided to keep seeing him)... "What's hard is that on occasions he opens up to tell me how he feels, but as soon as he reveals 'deeper' feelings he has for me, the next day he shuts down a bit and takes some distance (not calling for a couple of days is one example) - he acts like he didn't mean to talk about these things - or I should say, he was not ready to have it be 'open and out'. "I really like him - but don't want to confront him in an uncomfortable, un-cool way that this sort of thing hurts my feelings. He's the one I hate waiting around for - which is why I tend to keep my options open, rather than waiting for him to figure it out." She is smart to be keeping her options open. If she were not doing that, then the relationship would be out of balance - she would be giving more than receiving. Both would be aware of the lack of balance, and it would produce guilt in the guy, who might then start treating her much worse as a result. It would also produce resentment in the overgiver - resentment which often gets buried deep within. Sometimes guys do need to sort out what they want - and this is not a bad quality - but to be inconsistent is definitely bad when it comes to trust. The key to trust is consistency - knowing that you can count on a friend or boyfriend or relative to always have the same disposition, to be there when they say they will, and to feel the same way about you all the time - or in this girl's case, to maintain the same level of intimacy, instead of getting close one day, then pulling back the next. It is very painful when you really care about someone. You can easily fall into that trap of "I'll show him that love is wonderful; I'll show him that he can trust me..." Then you don't have a relationship; you have a rescue mission. Save that for the needy people in your community but not for boyfriends and husbands. If you maintain balance in the relationship, they will be relieved; they will respect you and trust you more. You maintain this balance by showing that you care but that you are not going to live and die by their every attack of doubt and anxiety. You can honestly tell someone like this that you would not want anyone to be in a relationship with you if they aren't sure about their feelings. Why? Because you weren't born to be a confused man's hand-holder. That was his momma's job. (But avoid sarcasm - be nice!) The best thing you can do is not focus on those issues when you're with someone. Don't get drawn into a "deep discussion" about it, and for heaven's sake, don't initiate one yourself!! Focus on one thing: HAVING FUN. Let the relationship take care of itself. |
