We gain knowledge of our value as an individual through our actions and thoughts. When we make a decision and see its outcome manifested in the world, we know that we have an influence, that we are powerful, that we are important. We become confident of ourselves, our abilities, and our value. A lack of self-confidence, then, results from a lack of experience in this crucial process. All too often parents, believing they know whats best for their children, make decisions for them. Refusing children the right to test their own capacities undermines their future success in two ways. First, it teaches them that we as parents do not have confidence in their abilities. Second, it denies them the opportunity to prove (to us or to themselves) that they are capable of acting responsibly. Children must be allowed the room to make their own decisions, manage the consequences, and gain an understanding from the experience. Its impractical of parents to make every important decision for a child up to the age of twelve and then expect the child to go out into the real world and make responsible decisions for herself, lacking any significant experience. We are sabotaging the success of our children by denying them the opportunity to undertake the process of self-actualization. Ask yourself, who taught you to walk? Did you parents warn you to stick to crawling so that you dont hurt yourself taking your first step? When you stumbled, did they ask you to give up, to allow them to carry you for the rest of your life? And what drove you to take that first step to begin with? In truth, it was your own desire to test the boundaries of your ability that set you off to venture on your own two feet. The process of stumbling and eventually to learning to walk cannot be substituted with a list of directions, nor with a step-by-step video, or even with someone moving your limbs for you. It is an individual experience that each of us must go through in order to gain a skill we will use for the rest of our lives. Whats the difference between learning to walk and learning to do anything else? At a certain point, adults pressure youngsters to accept their own accrued knowledge and experience in place of undertaking the process of gaining their own. We forget that our children learned to walk all by themselves and that every child is as capable of becoming as successful in life as they are successful in walking. To achieve success in life necessitates making our own choices, taking responsibility for the consequences and thereby discovering our full abilities. Just as the baby who releases her grip on the table must first face the risk and likelihood of falling before she finally discovers her ability to walk on her own, we must allow our children to experience that process every day. Parents, believing we know whats best, deny our children the opportunity to try, fail, and eventually succeed all on their own. Excluding life-threatening situations (though they arguably could be included), there are myriad instances in childhood where parents can empower their children to actualize themselves through the decision-making process without putting their child at great risk. Just as we placed our baby in a safe but spacious environment as it learned to walk, we can foster our childs self-actualization process in secure but liberating instances. From decisions as inconsequential as what outfit to wear, or which cereal to have for breakfast to choices of greater importance such as what to do throughout the day or even deciding what school to attend are all choices that children under the age of five are perfectly capable of making, so long as parents allow them the space to make a decision, handle the consequences, and learn from the experience.
Concern arises among parents who believe that their child, at age 2 or age 10, is not capable of making his/her own decisions. This belief may be grounded in previous experience, or it may be a parents knowledge that their child doesnt know any better. Alternatively, some parents might believe that their child is able to make certain decisions, but doesnt have the faculties to make important decisions. The tendency is strong to underestimate the capacity of our children when we dont allow them the possibility of discovering their actual abilities.
Lets remember that children are making important decisions every day of their lives. This is especially apparent when they are of preschool- or school-age but even before then, children decide how to treat others, how to interact with parents and adults, and what their role is every situation. Children are constantly testing their limitations (imposed by nature and by their parents) and they learn from each experience. An important decision is one that influences many people, brings about change, and produces results. By these measures, even whether to throw a fit while standing in line at the grocery store is an important decision. Every temper tantrum is an experience through which a child learns what power they have over the external world and how they can best manifest the outcome they desire. It is a childs natural inclination to test his abilities, observe the consequences, and learn from the experience. Our role as parents then, is to provide situations in which a child can affirm her influence and importance in positive ways. The child who throws a temper tantrum to get his way discovers his influence on the world as tied to these fits of emotion. He lacks knowledge of his own importance because, for him, power comes in the form of screaming. We must allow our children to affirm their importance in meaningful and productive ways. To give our child meaningful and productive opportunities for self actualization is not necessarily the easiest method of parenting to begin with. It requires patience, a time commitment, and setting-aside your own knowledge and fears. (Doesnt our heart ache to watch our baby stumble? But mustnt we allow her to keep walking anyway?) When we give our children the leeway to make their own decisions, they dont need to rebel against our wishes simply to affirm themselves and the rewards of your efforts will be evident for years to come. Imagine your three year old discussing with you whether he can have a cookie after dinner instead of throwing a fit over the candy bar in line at the grocery store. Picture your five year old going to bed without an argument because she has come to an agreement with you about when her bedtime is. Envision your ten-year-old son turning off the video game to do his homework without being asked because he has decided for himself upon a reasonable time limit for playing. Imagine your thirteen-year-old son having the confidence to stand up for what he believes in the face of three of his so-called friends. Visualize sending your fifteen-year-old daughter out to a sleepover and being confident in her ability to make important choices, to be aware of the consequences and to hold herself in high standing. Conceive of your college student holding herself in such high value that she doesnt look to men or to drugs to feel better about herself. These are the real-life outcomes of allowing our children to become self-actualized. Not only are these instances achievable, but they are essential to the success and well-being of our children and the adults they will become. |
